Book Review XXVIII: Five Love Languages for Men

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Received this book as birthday present from cell group.
Really a good book as it inspires me a lot.
The context of this book is mainly for husband to understand his own love languages and to speak his wife’s love language too.
Well, since I am gonna be married one day, it is good to prepare myself on how to love my wife in the future.
Previously I read Dr. Gary Chapman’s book Five Love Languages of God. He is really a wonderful author! You should read his books too!

What are the five love languages? They are words of affirmation, quality time, gift giving, acts of service and physical touch. Husbands can find their respective love languages by asking three questions:
1. What does your wife do or not do which really disappoints you?
2. What do you request most often from your wife?
3. How do you often express your love to your wife?

It is important that a huband speaks the love language his wife understands. Doing so will greatly fill her love tank. Speaking the love language which she doesn’t understand, even with double the effort, will do little in filling her love tank.

How can husbands become fluent in speaking those love languages?

Words of affirmation
Words of affirmation is not about flattery. When a husband speaks the words of affirmation, he must sincerely compliment his wife for what she has done or spoken. Not only that, he should publicly affirm his wife. He should encourage his wife to achieve her dream, not his, in a loving way, not with sarcasm. He should not speak of her past mistake once he has forgiven her. When he wants her to do something for him, he should make a request, not demand. Whenever there is argument or problem, he should try to clear the air. As often as possible, he should thank her.

Quality time
Some tips to be fluent in love language of quality time:
– maintain eye contact when your wife is talking
– don’t listen to your wife and do something else at the same time.
– listen for feelings
– observe body language
– refuse to interrupt.
Most of the time, husbands are conditioned to use their thinking and not their feeling. However, when spending quality time with their wives, husbands need to open up about their feeling too.
Another dialect of quality time is quality activities which couples can draw memory from in years ahead.
It is not about husbands finding time with wives. It is about husbands making time for their wives.

Gift giving
It is not about the cost of gift. It is about the thought behind the gift. Wives whose love language is gift giving desire to surround themselves with the visual reminder of their husbands’ affection. Some husbands prefer saving up instead of giving gifts to their wives. However, gift giving is similar to investing in relationship in a long term. Hence, it is a wise spending.
Other than giving gifts, husbands should give the gift of presence: Being there with their wives especially in a difficult moment.

Acts of service
Act of service emphasizes on the effectiveness, not on the amount of service. Husbands should ask their wives what they request the husbands to do. Husbands should be driven, disciplined and dedicated in fulfilling the requests. At the same time, husbands should do it with humility and eagernesss.

Physical touch
Physical touch for a couple involves more than just sex. In fact, if a husband uses physical touch solely to request sex, his wife may feel intimidated by it. When it comes to physical touch, it is the wife who draws the line between appropriate and inappropriate touch.

Very often, a couple start courtship with strong romantic feeling. However, the romantic feeling subsides some time after the wedding. The couple now has two options: 1. To lower expectation and accept the new status quo. 2. To figure out what’s wrong with relationship and work to make it better. In the midst of past annoyance, disagreement and mistake, a couple can choose the second option; They can choose to love again. They can choose to speak each other’s love language even if it is a “foreign” language.

How to manage anger?
1. Acknowledge the reality of anger.
2. Agree to acknowledge your anger to each other.
3. Agree that verbal or physical explosions that attack the other person are not appropriate responses to anger.
4. Agree to seek explanation before passing judgment.
5. Agree to seek a resolution.
6. Agree to affirm your love for each other.

Other than five languages of love, there are also five languages of apology.

1. Expressing regret or Saying “I am sorry.”
It has to be done with sincerity, both verbally and in body language. It has to be specific too “I am sorry for….” It must never be followed with the word “but”.

2. Accepting responsibility.
There must not be excuse in apologizing.

3. Making restitution.
A good way to make restitution is by speaking the partner’s love language.

4. Genuine Repentance
There must be a change of behavior for good too.

5. Requesting Forgiveness
Requesting forgiveness shows that the offender admits he/she has done the wrong thing and wants the relationship to be restored.

Well, i did the questionaire at the end of the book and i have found my main 2 love languages. Hehe, it’s a secret so i won’t share it.
Do read this book, ok? You will kearn a lot from it.

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Posted November 16, 2015 by Jefri Yue Fei 吴岳飞 in Book Review

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