Pastor Kong’s and Pastor Sun’s Sermon 5, March, 2016 Relationship Builders: Communication

1 Cor 13:4-8, 4:31-32
How to build great relationship with people around us?
Principle of love is universal. However, marriage is the most complex relationship.

We all dream of great marriage.
When husband and wife are healthy emotionally, the greater the marriage is.
However, many of us carry painful memories from the past.
We may think we have buried them.
However, those pains actually influence our character.
How do we respond to pain?
1. Some build emotional wall. However, if the wall is too thick, that person is not able to feel love.
2. Some numb the pain by shutting down emotion. Unfortunately, when we shutdown one feeling, we will shutdown other feelings too.

The ability to feel differentiates us from robots.
When there is no feeling, there is no intimacy (intimacy is the highest goal of marriage).
Some come from dysfunctional family in which the parents quarrel.
The children may then make inner vows, such as “I will never be affected by this family again.”
While this vow may work, it will shut down other areas in life too.
Nevertheless, only the Holy Spirit can break this inner vow.

Love is like a big magnifying glass.
Even the old hidden emotional hurt resurfaces.
Nevertheless, it is a good thing as they need healing.
It is better to be emotionally whole before getting married.

Marriage is not just finding a life partner. It is about become the right person too.

How to solve a stumbling block? Communication which is key to a great marriage.

Communication

Koinonia = fellowship. How good we are in communicating determines how strong our relationship will be.
To communicate usually we use word.
Heb 11:3. Genesis 1:2-3
Word is powerful and long lasting. Words have creative power to build up.
Lack of words or wrong words will ruin marriage.

Words also have destructive power to tear down.
Words we say in the heat of moment will cause war or divorce.
Proverbs 26:22, Job 19:2, Proverb 18:21
Words can break a person
Words determine the quality of relationship.

We communicate by words, gestures and spirit.
We communicate with attitude. What kind of attitude is oozing out of us?
Is it attitude of gratitude or disappointment?

Communication can break down.
Some say the man does not talk after marriage as he can never win an argument.
When does communication break down?

1. When one partner does not talk anymore
Marriage is in serious problem when one person does not talk about it.

2. When we don’t talk directly anymore.
Passing a message through a third party will compromise the message

3. When both don’t talk anymore
The couple perceives the problem is too big. The couple will then grow more and more distant.

4. When there is emotional and physical abuse
Many times couple raise voice when talk to each other.

We need to share our thought and heart.
It is not just about fact. Sharing fact is good.
However, we need to share our innermost feelings: likes and dislikes, fears and worries.
Even when the conversation is intense, at least there is an exchange of feeling.
People who are emotionally shut down have difficulty in sharing feeling.
We need to be honest and open. Otherwise, marriage dies.
There may be risk of rejection when the couple opens up to each other.
However, total honesty is the only policy.

How do we have total honesty?

1. Identify hurts and failures 
Total honesty is not easy to do
What is blocking our communication? It can be hurts or family issue.
We lose communication because we may not want to open up that wound.
This hurt may start innocent. However, it will grow big.
If disappointment is not resolved, it will become complex.
It is important for both couple to walk through hurts
Failure compromises communication. 
Is it secret sin or secret affair?
Guilt and remorse causes loss of communication. Without resolve, it will snowball in destruction of communication.
Matt 7:3-5
We need to identify our own hurts and failures first.
Never say “You make me feel guilty.” Never blame others.
We have to feel responsible with what we feel.

2. Confess and repent
Psalm 51:4
We have to admit our hurts and failures wound others.
Total honesty means no secrets, no shifting of blame.
To repent = to change mind and action.

3. Forgive
Col 3:13
Love and forgiveness is synonymous.
Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is an action, it is a choice.
It does not mean we don’t think of the offense.
Forgiveness means we let it go even when we feel the pain.
We keep letting go until we no longer feel the sting.

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Posted March 11, 2016 by Jefri Yue Fei 吴岳飞 in Kong Hee, Sermon, Sun Ho

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