Archive for the ‘Ginger Kolbaba’ Category

Book Review XXIX: Five Sex Needs of Men and Women

Discover the secrets to great sex in a godly marriage.

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Another book on relationship.
You see, I have read plenty books on relationship.
It’s a good idea to invest in this type of books so I can have a great marriage in the future.
It’s like reading a driving manual before driving.
This book talks about sex, an intriguing yet fun topic ;)

Sex is God’s idea when He first created Adam and Eve.
While it is a good idea to read a book on sexual technique, sex isn’t just about technique.
It is about physical, emotional and spiritual connection between husband and wife.
Sex is about oneness between husband and wife which is similar to the oneness between Christ and the church.
In fact, Christian couples should have the best and most satisfying sexual life as they worship the Creator of sex Himself.

Good sex is other-centered.
Husband and wife must meet each other’s sexual need.
It is a privilege and a duty God expects a couple to respect.

For women, intimacy means talk. For men, intimacy means sex.
God did wire men and women differently in terms of sex.
However, this difference means husband and wife can complement each other sexually and add excitement in marriage.
Hence, a couple should learn to navigate in these gender differences.

Sexual needs of women are affirmation, connection, nonsexual touch, spiritual intimacy and romance.

Affirmation
Wife needs her husband to build her self esteem through compliment and encouragement.
Affirmation is important during sex.
Women need to hear how beautiful they are and how much they satisfy their husbands.

Connection
It is achieved through talking or doing things together.

Nonsexual touch.
Sometimes, affectionate touch doesn’t need to lead to sex.
A wife can feel really drained after a long day.
A nonsexual touch will help her feel replenished.

Spiritual intimacy
When a husband connects to his wife spiritually, she will feel drawn to him in such a deep level that she is eager to give herself fully to him.
Spiritual intimacy happens when a couple have mutual desire to be to close to God and seek His direction even in sex life.
A wife desires for her husband to be her spiritual leader and to grow spiritually with her.

Romance
Romance is the result of spending quality time together. With romance, sex becomes exciting.
Romance is something a couple do to express the love they feel to each other and that they care for each other.
Romantic action doesn’t necessarily cost much money or time.

In short, a woman responds to the man who takes care of her heart.

Sexual needs of men are mutual satisfaction, connection, responsiveness of wife, initiation of wife and affirmation.

Mutual satisfaction
A husband thinks about a lot about sex due to testosterone.
At the same time, he desires that his wife enjoys sex as much as he does.
A husband should help his wife reach orgasm as often as possible.

Connection
A husband desires to be physically and emotionally connected to his wife.
While sexual desire may decrease over time, emotional connection will keep the relationship fresh.
Expressing emotion can be a challenge for some husbands.
A wife can help her husband express his emotion through sex as sexual release makes a man emotionally open.

Responsiveness
Sex is a man’s way to feel close.
When a wife often rejects her husband’s sexual advance, he will feel rejected emotionally.
A husband wants his wife to want him.
When there is no sexual intimacy between husband and wife, whatever emotional and spiritual intimacy will fade too.
A sexually fulfilled husband will do almost anything to his wife.
Husband should understand that his wife needs time to respond to sex.
Hence, when she is initially hesitant, a husband should not interpret it as outright no.
A husband should also treat his wife with respect, not a sex object.
Sometimes, if the wife has difficulty enjoying sex, it could be due to hormonal imbalance or negative attitude toward sex.
The solution is then to seek help from physician or counsellor.

Initiation
If a wife’s responsiveness strengthens her husband’s self esteem, how much more her initiating sex will help him!
When a wife pursues her husband sexually, he will feel like at the top of the world.

Affirmation
If a wife wants her husband to be all God created him to be, she needs to affirm him in every way possible.
In fact, only she can affirm him sexually.
When a wife has difficulty in reaching orgasm, she should communicate it to her husband in an affirming way.

Wife should feel privileged when her husband requests sex.
It means he wants her and wants to be vulnerable with her.

A few points to note when sex drives do no match:
– a couple should pray for great sexual life.
– a couple can check their hormone level
– a couple should express his/her desire for one another.
– time of low libido is the opportunity to demonstrate Christ’s love by meeting each other sexual needs.

Fatigue can be number one enemy in sexual intimacy.
It is common as well for sexual intimacy to drop when kids arrive in the picture.
While a husband, no matter how busy he is, can find just enough energy for sex, a wife needs time and energy to ready herself for sex. Nevertheless, the truth still remains: we need sex to stay healthy.
You are the only one who can fulfill your spouse’s sex needs.
After God, the next priority is spouse, not work. Sex is not optional in marriage.
The only reason the Bible allows temporary absence of sex in marriage is prayer, not busyness of work.
If possible, a couple should cut down excessive work commitment, i.e. they make room for sex.
Saying no to things that aren’t marriage-related is saying yes to marriage.
A couple should schedule regular time for sex.
In fact, in Jewish culture, a wife who has sex with husband on Sabbath gets double brownie points.

Although it may not feel natural, a couple should talk about their sex needs to each other.
A couple can create their own vocabulary to request sex from each other.
While sex belongs to the bedroom, talking about sex belongs to outside the bedroom.
A couple should pray that God will open his/her mind to understand the other’s thought.
Even when there is a difference in sexual preference, a couple should talk about it without hurting each other.
Delicate issue such as obesity should also be discussed with gentleness.
When you are overweight and you do not take care of your body, you are giving chance for your spouse to be visually stimulated by others who do. There are sexual boundaries which couple should talk before having sex: there must be no third party, both husband and wife must agree and enjoy the sexual activity.

A couple should communicate the type of sex they need, be it a perfect sex or a quickie.
While once in a while quickie is fine, sex should not be rushed.
They should keep practicing so they can reach the climax together.

God is the Creator of sex. He is pleased every time a husband and wife engage in a loving sexual activity.
He wired husband and wife differently so they can practice serving love.
When a marriage suffers due to overscheduled life, unmet expectation, hidden sin or trauma, a couple can pray that God will restore them.
A couple must let Him be God of their lives, both outside and inside the bedroom.
There is a void in human heart which only God can fill.
God wants us to come to Him about anything, including sex lives.
As a couple grow spiritually together, their sex lives improve too; they should combine prayer and sex so they will draw close to God and each other.
What if a spouse isn’t interested in spiritual intimacy?
The other spouse should present the case in a logical (not emotional) manner, focus on his/her own spiritual life first and look for incremental growth.

Under normal circumstance, a couple can abstain from sex.
Apostle Paul gave a guideline on such abstain.
A couple can only abstain from sex under 3 conditions:
1) it is mutual consent between husband and wife
2) it is for a time period after which the normal sexual intercourse will resume
3) this temporary abstain is only for prayer.

Sex connects both body and soul.
Many couple who have premarital sex later struggle with guilt and shame. How should a couple deal with  premarital sex?
Couple should confess to each other and to God.
The spouse who have premarital sex should ask forgiveness from God and his/her spouse.
Then, he/she should forgive himself/herself.

How should a couple deal with sexual trauma (e.g. Past sexual abuse)?
The victim of the sexual trauma should not give up on the potential for a healthy sexual relationship with the spouse.
As for the spouse of the victim, he/she should abstain from sex for a time to allow the victim grieve and recover and to pray for the victim.
The victim should also seek help from trained Christian sex therapist.

In most cases, infidelity happens due to lack of intimacy, emotional and sexual satisfaction.
Restoration from infidelity isn’t easy as it represents a major breakdown of commitment.
While God allows divorce in case adultery, there is still a way to redeem intimacy.
How should a couple deal with extramarital affair?
Couple should forgive each other and depend on God as they go through the healing process.
The offended spouse should list down questions to purge out the offense from the offending spouse.
Both the offending and the offended spouse should then meet professional sex therapist.

Pornography is another major blow to a marriage as it introduces a third party into your bedroom and it is addictive.
How should a couple deal
With pornography?
A couple should be accountable to each other and guard their vision from sexual temptation.

A final word from Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg.
What is the benefit of good sex?
– it can be fun
– it can be comforting
– it honors God

May God bless you with great sex – and a great marriage!

Do get a copy of this book at The Ink Room, ok?  (http://www.theinkroom.com.sg/5-sex-needs-of-men-and-women-paperback-english.html)
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