Archive for the ‘Barbara Rosberg’ Category

Book review XXX: The Five Love Needs of Men and Women

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Man! I reaalllyyy like reading books by the Rossbergs.
I have learned many things about relationship especially on how to nurture a great marriage.
Indeed, marriage is about meeting spouse’s love needs.

Why is it important to do so? Meeting spouse’s love needs is  a matter of keeping vows.
It is what God calls you to do and it will result in a great marriage.
Neglecting spouse’s love needs will cost marriage.
Many Christian marriages end up in divorce due to not meeting those needs.

Five love needs of a husband are: 
1. Uunconditional love and acceptance, 
2. Sexual intimacy, 
3. Companionship, 
4. Encouragement and affirmation, 
5. Spiritual intimacy.

Five love needs of a wife are: 
1. Unconditional love and acceptance, 
2. Emotional intimacy and communication, 
3. Spiritual intimacy, 
4. Encouragement and affirmation, 
5. Companionship.

1. The need of unconditional love and acceptance for a husband
A husband wants to drop his mask and still be loved by his wife in riches or poverty, in health or sickness.
It is easy to love in good times. But, a husband needs unconditional love especially in tough time.
All unconditional love starts with God who loves us unconditionally by sending Jesus Christ for us.
Unconditional love means putting spouse’s needs above personal needs.
A husband needs to know that his wife loves him and shows grace to him even when he disappoints her.
As much as possible, wife should affirm her husband.
A husband has to learn to listen to his wife’s feeling while a wife has to learn to listen to her husband’s idea.
Unconditional love occurs in the environment of communication. Hence, husband and wife must take time to connect to each other.
In addition, a wife should not stop studying her husband’s mood and personality.

1. The need of unconditional love and acceptance for a wife
A husband should love his wife at her greatest pain, vulnerability and pressure.
At the times when a wife feels the need to please many audience, her husband has to remind her that she is to please the audience of One.
Many times, a wife feels insecure as she compares herself with other women.
To solve this insecurity, her husband is to love her and remind her that she is a blessing a him to him.
In addition, he should compliment her looks, character and spiritual growth.
A husband has to model God’s unconditional love to her wife by encouraging her and standing with her. 
At times, a woman verbally processes her thought by talking. Hence, her husband should respect her opinion, talk with her and listen.
A woman may become cranky and easily irritable during her time of the month. Her husband then has to be tender with her.
As Lord Jesus serves the church, a husband is to serve his wife too.

2. The need of sexual intimacy for a husband
God wires husband and wife differently. A husband needs sexual intimacy whereas his wife longs for emotional intimacy.
While a husband may have been drained hard all day long, he can quickly shift gear and get the sexual urge just by one touch, one word or one eye-contact.
It is all related to the chemistry of the male brain. Man can be sexually stimulated even without external stimulus.
In fact, man can think about sex all day long.
Man thinks in boxes and all those boxes are isolated from one another.
Male sex box is ready to open at a moment’s notice while other boxes are closed.
For woman, all boxes are open at the same time.
Hence, open and honest communication is important before a woman can open up to sexual intimacy.
Much of man’s masculinity is rooted in his sexuality.
When a wife withdraws from her husband sexually, he will feel emotionally shutdown or even do something immoral.
In fact, he may withdraw emotional intimacy from his wife too.
No sex, no talk. No talk, no sex. It is a vicious cycle.
A husband feels loved when his wife responds to him sexually.
Unless both partners agree, sexual infrequency (once a week or less) should be a major concern in marriage.
How should a wife meet her husband’s need of sexual intimacy?
– She should talk to God about this issue.
– She can start with her own heart: what is blocking her from enjoying sex in marriage? Is there hurt or unresolved conflict between husband and wife? Is there past sexual experience?
– She should learn what satisfies her husband.
– She should commit herself to meet his sexual needs too.

2. The need of emotional intimacy for wife: Talk
A wife will only be sexually aroused after her husband connects to her heart.
Sexual intimacy without emotional intimacy will make a wife feel like machine.
A husband should give the best treatment to his wife, not only to his customers.
A woman needs to talk as it is a way to process her thought. Hence, a husband has to spend time connecting with her through talking too.
If this emotional intimacy is not met, a wife may withdraw emotionally from her, may not respond to her sexually, and may look elsewhere to get her needs met.
A wife is eager to know the smallest detail of her husband’s life: what he has for dinner, what he thinks during work.
She loves talking for hours and hours with her husband.
As both their souls undress toward each other, their bodies will follow.
How can a husband meet his wife’s emotional need?
– He should listen to her, giving her undivided attention, not trying to fix her.
– He should show her an understanding heart.
– He should build rapport with her by giving her as many details as she wants.
– He should resolve conflict without any physical or verbal abuse.
– He should safeguard his marriage by avoiding extramarital temptation.

3. The need of friendship for a husband 
A husband needs to share his happy and sad moment with his best friend: his wife.
This need of companionship started in the garden of Eden when God said, "It is not good for a man to be alone."
True friendship requires honesty, trust, vulnerability and encouragement.
A husband needs his wife to have realistic expectation from him. After all, a husband is not designed to be his wife’s girlfriend, only her best friend.
A husband needs his wife to speak the truth, correcting him, in love.
A husband needs his wife to be honest and vice versa. Without honesty, there won’t be any trust.
A husband needs his wife to enter into his world. It does not necessarily mean the wife should take up her husband’s passion. By stepping into his world, a wife encourages her husband to step into her world too.

3. The need of spiritual intimacy for a wife
A strong marriage is the marriage of three: God, man and woman.
A wife needs to grow spiritually and to express her spiritual gifts.
She needs to be in fellowship with other Christians, especially his husband.
A wife needs her husband to be in charge of of the spiritual growth of the family.
As he strengthens his relationship with God, he will strengthen her relationship with God and him.
He should pray with and for his wife, should read the Bible and share about God to the children.
A husband is to be neither a controlling leader or a passive leader. He is to be a servant leader for his wife.
This role is a biblical responsibility for every Christian husband.

4. The need of encouragement for a husband
A husband thrills on victory and he needs cheer from his strongest cheerleader: his wife.
He needs to hear encouragement from God and his wife.
Encouragement is a wife tuning away from distraction such as bills, jobs, housework and kids and tuning to her husband.
Encouragement is she listening actively to him and reminding him she would marry him all over again.
A wife should encourage her husband to grow spiritually, to be accountable and to connect with his children.

4. The need of encouragement for a wife
A woman needs encouragement as much as a man needs. The form of encouragement can be different, though.
As much as a husband needs his wife to be his best cheer leader, a wife needs her husband to he her greatest cheer leader too.
Many times a wife wants to share her thought and feeling freely to her husband without requesting a solution. This is her way to build emotional ties. A husband can encourage her by simply listening to her and empathize with her.
A husband should prioritize his wife over his work, not matter how busy he is.
A husband should point out his wife’s potential no matter how much criticism she receives.
As often as possible, a husband should praise her wife for who she is both publicly and privately.
If necessary, a husband can learn how to encourage his wife by copying what her friends do to encourage her.
Just like during the dating days, a husband has to keep impressing his wife by saying all the positive things about her.

5. The need of spiritual connection for a husband
Becoming a servant leader is a tough job for a husband as he has to reject cultural teaching on masculinity.
The culture teaches toughness whereas the Bible requires humility from a man.
Hence, a husband needs help from his wife in order to be a servant leader.
A wife should not push her husband into fulfilling this role by shaming him.
In order to be a servant leader, a husband has to have personal time in the Word of God, prayer, fellowship and worship both alone and together with his wife.
This spiritual connection is important especially during the time of family crisis.

5. The need of friendship for a wife
A wife longs for a heart to heart communication, special time and growing old with her husband.
Friendship means to laugh together, to stay on the course together, to work through differences between men and women.
It also means you are careful with what you say, you tell truth but not at the other’s expenses and you bring out the best in other’s life.
She needs her husband to be her best friend who sees her bad, good, beautiful and ugly and he still loves her.
She needs her husband as a safe place to be herself.
She needs her husband’s integrity.
She needs her husband to honor her.
A husband should apologize to the wife when he is wrong and should step into her world.
A great friendship will greatly comfort the couple especially in difficult times.

Do get a copy of this book at The Ink Room, ok? ^_^
(http://www.theinkroom.com.sg/5-love-needs-of-men-women-paperback-english.html)

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Book Review XXIX: Five Sex Needs of Men and Women

Discover the secrets to great sex in a godly marriage.

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Another book on relationship.
You see, I have read plenty books on relationship.
It’s a good idea to invest in this type of books so I can have a great marriage in the future.
It’s like reading a driving manual before driving.
This book talks about sex, an intriguing yet fun topic ;)

Sex is God’s idea when He first created Adam and Eve.
While it is a good idea to read a book on sexual technique, sex isn’t just about technique.
It is about physical, emotional and spiritual connection between husband and wife.
Sex is about oneness between husband and wife which is similar to the oneness between Christ and the church.
In fact, Christian couples should have the best and most satisfying sexual life as they worship the Creator of sex Himself.

Good sex is other-centered.
Husband and wife must meet each other’s sexual need.
It is a privilege and a duty God expects a couple to respect.

For women, intimacy means talk. For men, intimacy means sex.
God did wire men and women differently in terms of sex.
However, this difference means husband and wife can complement each other sexually and add excitement in marriage.
Hence, a couple should learn to navigate in these gender differences.

Sexual needs of women are affirmation, connection, nonsexual touch, spiritual intimacy and romance.

Affirmation
Wife needs her husband to build her self esteem through compliment and encouragement.
Affirmation is important during sex.
Women need to hear how beautiful they are and how much they satisfy their husbands.

Connection
It is achieved through talking or doing things together.

Nonsexual touch.
Sometimes, affectionate touch doesn’t need to lead to sex.
A wife can feel really drained after a long day.
A nonsexual touch will help her feel replenished.

Spiritual intimacy
When a husband connects to his wife spiritually, she will feel drawn to him in such a deep level that she is eager to give herself fully to him.
Spiritual intimacy happens when a couple have mutual desire to be to close to God and seek His direction even in sex life.
A wife desires for her husband to be her spiritual leader and to grow spiritually with her.

Romance
Romance is the result of spending quality time together. With romance, sex becomes exciting.
Romance is something a couple do to express the love they feel to each other and that they care for each other.
Romantic action doesn’t necessarily cost much money or time.

In short, a woman responds to the man who takes care of her heart.

Sexual needs of men are mutual satisfaction, connection, responsiveness of wife, initiation of wife and affirmation.

Mutual satisfaction
A husband thinks about a lot about sex due to testosterone.
At the same time, he desires that his wife enjoys sex as much as he does.
A husband should help his wife reach orgasm as often as possible.

Connection
A husband desires to be physically and emotionally connected to his wife.
While sexual desire may decrease over time, emotional connection will keep the relationship fresh.
Expressing emotion can be a challenge for some husbands.
A wife can help her husband express his emotion through sex as sexual release makes a man emotionally open.

Responsiveness
Sex is a man’s way to feel close.
When a wife often rejects her husband’s sexual advance, he will feel rejected emotionally.
A husband wants his wife to want him.
When there is no sexual intimacy between husband and wife, whatever emotional and spiritual intimacy will fade too.
A sexually fulfilled husband will do almost anything to his wife.
Husband should understand that his wife needs time to respond to sex.
Hence, when she is initially hesitant, a husband should not interpret it as outright no.
A husband should also treat his wife with respect, not a sex object.
Sometimes, if the wife has difficulty enjoying sex, it could be due to hormonal imbalance or negative attitude toward sex.
The solution is then to seek help from physician or counsellor.

Initiation
If a wife’s responsiveness strengthens her husband’s self esteem, how much more her initiating sex will help him!
When a wife pursues her husband sexually, he will feel like at the top of the world.

Affirmation
If a wife wants her husband to be all God created him to be, she needs to affirm him in every way possible.
In fact, only she can affirm him sexually.
When a wife has difficulty in reaching orgasm, she should communicate it to her husband in an affirming way.

Wife should feel privileged when her husband requests sex.
It means he wants her and wants to be vulnerable with her.

A few points to note when sex drives do no match:
– a couple should pray for great sexual life.
– a couple can check their hormone level
– a couple should express his/her desire for one another.
– time of low libido is the opportunity to demonstrate Christ’s love by meeting each other sexual needs.

Fatigue can be number one enemy in sexual intimacy.
It is common as well for sexual intimacy to drop when kids arrive in the picture.
While a husband, no matter how busy he is, can find just enough energy for sex, a wife needs time and energy to ready herself for sex. Nevertheless, the truth still remains: we need sex to stay healthy.
You are the only one who can fulfill your spouse’s sex needs.
After God, the next priority is spouse, not work. Sex is not optional in marriage.
The only reason the Bible allows temporary absence of sex in marriage is prayer, not busyness of work.
If possible, a couple should cut down excessive work commitment, i.e. they make room for sex.
Saying no to things that aren’t marriage-related is saying yes to marriage.
A couple should schedule regular time for sex.
In fact, in Jewish culture, a wife who has sex with husband on Sabbath gets double brownie points.

Although it may not feel natural, a couple should talk about their sex needs to each other.
A couple can create their own vocabulary to request sex from each other.
While sex belongs to the bedroom, talking about sex belongs to outside the bedroom.
A couple should pray that God will open his/her mind to understand the other’s thought.
Even when there is a difference in sexual preference, a couple should talk about it without hurting each other.
Delicate issue such as obesity should also be discussed with gentleness.
When you are overweight and you do not take care of your body, you are giving chance for your spouse to be visually stimulated by others who do. There are sexual boundaries which couple should talk before having sex: there must be no third party, both husband and wife must agree and enjoy the sexual activity.

A couple should communicate the type of sex they need, be it a perfect sex or a quickie.
While once in a while quickie is fine, sex should not be rushed.
They should keep practicing so they can reach the climax together.

God is the Creator of sex. He is pleased every time a husband and wife engage in a loving sexual activity.
He wired husband and wife differently so they can practice serving love.
When a marriage suffers due to overscheduled life, unmet expectation, hidden sin or trauma, a couple can pray that God will restore them.
A couple must let Him be God of their lives, both outside and inside the bedroom.
There is a void in human heart which only God can fill.
God wants us to come to Him about anything, including sex lives.
As a couple grow spiritually together, their sex lives improve too; they should combine prayer and sex so they will draw close to God and each other.
What if a spouse isn’t interested in spiritual intimacy?
The other spouse should present the case in a logical (not emotional) manner, focus on his/her own spiritual life first and look for incremental growth.

Under normal circumstance, a couple can abstain from sex.
Apostle Paul gave a guideline on such abstain.
A couple can only abstain from sex under 3 conditions:
1) it is mutual consent between husband and wife
2) it is for a time period after which the normal sexual intercourse will resume
3) this temporary abstain is only for prayer.

Sex connects both body and soul.
Many couple who have premarital sex later struggle with guilt and shame. How should a couple deal with  premarital sex?
Couple should confess to each other and to God.
The spouse who have premarital sex should ask forgiveness from God and his/her spouse.
Then, he/she should forgive himself/herself.

How should a couple deal with sexual trauma (e.g. Past sexual abuse)?
The victim of the sexual trauma should not give up on the potential for a healthy sexual relationship with the spouse.
As for the spouse of the victim, he/she should abstain from sex for a time to allow the victim grieve and recover and to pray for the victim.
The victim should also seek help from trained Christian sex therapist.

In most cases, infidelity happens due to lack of intimacy, emotional and sexual satisfaction.
Restoration from infidelity isn’t easy as it represents a major breakdown of commitment.
While God allows divorce in case adultery, there is still a way to redeem intimacy.
How should a couple deal with extramarital affair?
Couple should forgive each other and depend on God as they go through the healing process.
The offended spouse should list down questions to purge out the offense from the offending spouse.
Both the offending and the offended spouse should then meet professional sex therapist.

Pornography is another major blow to a marriage as it introduces a third party into your bedroom and it is addictive.
How should a couple deal
With pornography?
A couple should be accountable to each other and guard their vision from sexual temptation.

A final word from Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg.
What is the benefit of good sex?
– it can be fun
– it can be comforting
– it honors God

May God bless you with great sex – and a great marriage!

Do get a copy of this book at The Ink Room, ok?  (http://www.theinkroom.com.sg/5-sex-needs-of-men-and-women-paperback-english.html)
^_____^

Book Review XXVII: 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love

Recapturing Your Dream Marriage

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A book which i purchased last year during a sale season in TIR.
Pretty interesting book. Is there really such secret to a lasting love?
Well, probably yes.
The subtitle of this book says it: Recapturing Your Dream Marriage.
Perhaps an analogy in physics helps.
Second law of thermodynamics. Law of entropy: Things, left by themselves, will eventually disintegrate.
An apple, left by itself, will just rot away, for example.
A marriage is no different.

Many times, dream marriage will fade away with time since the couple do not put enough effort to keep it fresh and nurtured.
Six secrets of lasting love represent six types of love and effort the couple can do to prevent dream marriage from disintegrating.
They are secrets too because not many couples know them. If they knew, the divorce rate would be way lower.

So, what are these six secrets of love?

1. Forgiving love
2. Serving love
3. Persevering love
4. Guarding love
5. Celebrating love
6. Renewing love

Forgiving Love
Some couple are emotionally distant from each other and no longer meet each other’s needs.
The earlier the couple addresses this issue of emotional distance, the easier this issue is resolved.
However, many couples do not do so, resulting in a even deeper hurt and anger.
This is when the couple needs to forgive each other.
In a marriage, forgiveness is more than forgetting the offense. It involves effort of closing the loop of conflict which leads to restoration.
One effective way to resolve a conflict is when a couple prays first before discussing. Let Lord Jesus be the Guide in it.
Forgiving love heals hurts and helps couple feel accepted and connected.

Serving Love
God created man and woman with legitimate needs which should be met by a spouse.
By applying serving love, a couple discovers each other’s needs and meets them.
Serving love is about others-centered and is done out of gladness and not guilt.
Marriage is not 50-50 (I’ll meet your need if you meet mine).
Marriage is 100-100 (husband and wife strive to outdo each other in serving).
This servanthood is done to please God, more than just pleasing spouse.
In God’s design, it is always a marriage of three: Jesus, husband and wife.
Without meeting each other’s needs, marriage will lead to deterioration.
A couple should also learn to communicate their needs to each other since husband and wife are not mind readers.
5 top love needs of a husband: Unconditional love and acceptance, sexual intimacy, companionship, encouragement and affirmation, spiritual intimacy.
5 top love needs of a wife: Unconditional love and acceptance, emotional intimacy and companion, spiritual intimacy, encouragement and affirmation, companionship.

Persevering Love
Life is not a bed of roses. Any marriage will experience difficult times.
With persevering love, a couple stays strong in tough times and feel bonded-best friends for life.
It’s the kind of love which triumphs over trials and grows stronger when the couple is most vulnerable.
In the midst of pressure, a couple should close in and find refuge in God and each other.
Persevering love is built through friendship before the difficult period strikes.
When the couple faces problem, they should realize the problem isn’t the spouse; the problem is outside of them.
They should also seek help from God and other Christian friends. While trial isn’t fun, God uses it to forge a lasting love and faith.

Guarding Love
A threat to marriage can come from outside as well as inside of the marriage.
Guarding love protects spouses from threats and help them feel secure.
We need to always guard our heart from ungodly thought, desires and choices in order to protect marriage.
Some typical attacks on men: Career pressure, wordly distraction, relationship pressures, sexual temptation, the search for significance, passivity, control and competition.
Some typical attacks on women: Relationship with other men, preoccupation with children, failing to meet personal needs, worry, critical, attitude, comparison and control.
7 keys a wife can guard her husband’s heart: Honor him and his world, avoid sabotage, love him unconditionally, understand male-female differences, honor his friendships, clarify family roles, commit herself to him and to God.
Seven ways a husband can guard his wife’s heart: To listen, offer practical help, make time just for her wife, give her time to be herself, to love her unconditionally, to demonstrate spiritual leadership, to pray for and with her wife.

Celebrating Love
The initial spark of love in marriage needs not die down regardless for how long the couple is married.
Through celebrating love, a couple can maintain a satisfactory emotional, physical and spiritual connection.
Five keys to celebrating love: To put each other at the top of list of activities, to confess to each other of all the hurt, to get to know each other again, to rethink our thinking, to rekindle romance and physical intimacy.
For women, intimacy means talk. A wife starved for emotional intimacy and non-sexual affection may withdraw from her husband physically.
For men, intimacy means sex. Through sex, a wife should delight in the fact that her husband has such a deep hunger for her.
Spiritual intimacy is one essential aspect in marriage which occurs when husband and wife surrender their lives and relationship to the Lord. Emotional and physical intimacy is what drew them together but spiritual connection is what keeps them together.
No matter how busy they are, a couple should pray together and have constant fellowship with other believers.

Renewing Love
Renewing love is what the couple together permanently as the relationship stays afresh and flourishes for the long haul.
Marriage which lasts is God’s idea. In fact, He hates divorce.
How to nurture a renewing love?
The couple should commit themselves to Christ, should enter into each other’s world and should encourage each other.
What are the four signs that marriage is going downhill? Complaining defensiveness, contempt and withdrawal.

What should a spouse do when he/she wants to restore the marriage but the other spouse isn’t interested?
He/she should keep trying and praying that God will restore the marriage.

When our marriage reflects a love that forgives, serves, perseveres, guards, celebrates and renews, we reflect God’s character.
When our marriages are filled with conflict and disrespect, discord and pain, we obscure and tarnish His reflection.
We all need God’s help to build a lasting marriage.
We need help from family and friends too who will hold us accountable.

Let us do our best to pursue that dream marriage.

You can purchase the book here:
http://www.theinkroom.com.sg/6-secret-to-a-lasting-love-paperback-english.html